As humans, we all share two common goals: relationships and the emotional need to feel genuinely loved. When the latter is achieved, the quality of the former significantly increases. Therefore, in observance of Valentine’s Day (or Single Awareness Day), I thought it would be appropriate to discuss about relationships – how to seek and maintain a healthy relationship.
Before we begin, if you have not read The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman, then you need to check out his amazing work. With over thirty-five years of his personal life experiences and marriage counseling, Dr. Chapman demonstrates simple and practical ways for couples to effectively communicate love.
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.
Dr. Chapman argues that in order to maintain a full love tank, we need to learn how to speak our lover’s primary love language even if it is something we are not accustomed to while growing up.
I will briefly summarize each of the five love languages from his Love Language series: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Then I will offer my own personal advice for those who are currently in a committed relationship or seeking a significant other to enjoy life with.
The Five Love Languages
Words of Affirmation – If your lover’s primary love language is words of affirmation, you need to use encouraging, kind, and humble words when speaking with her in order to affirm your love. Let her know regularly how much you appreciate her. This does not mean that you tell her “I am grateful for you” every day – it is not as meaningful. Instead, tell her something you specifically appreciate about her each time. Additionally, set a goal to give her a sweet compliment each week and be sure to keep a record of the compliments, so you will not duplicate them. Brownie points if you compliment her in the presence of her parents or friends, letting everyone know how proud you are of her. Look for her strengths and accomplishments and tell her how much you appreciate them. Finally, a hand-written love letter never goes out of style. Always keep in mind: Words are important!
Quality Time – If your lover’s primary love language is quality time, plan an activity for both of you to enjoy together and make sure to give him your full attention. The central aspect of quality time is togetherness, not proximity. As such, you are genuinely spending focused time with each other. When he shares his thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires, give him your undivided attention while he is talking — maintain eye contact and do not do something else at the same time. Additionally, observe his body language and ask for clarification to make sure you completely comprehend his thoughts and feelings. Finally, refrain from interrupting his ideas, jumping to conclusions, stating your own opinions, dismissing his feelings, or hurling accusations. Understand him.
Receiving Gifts – If your lover’s primary love language is receiving gifts, it is important to note that the gift itself is a visual symbol of love. A gift is a tangible object she can hold in her hand, and it lets her know that you must be thinking of her to give her a gift. A gift does not have to cost money; a handmade original can be as valuable and meaningful. Carefully pay attention to things that she likes or expresses excitement over. You can also ask her family and friends what she might like as a gift. Keep a record of the gift ideas, and you will get quite a list. Finally, you can also offer the gift of your presence at any event she enjoys and make every effort to be there with her. It is also important to note that physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give her.
Acts of Service – If your lover’s primary love language is acts of service, keep in mind that actions speak louder than words. As such, you can express your love by fulfilling all of the requests she has made of you. It is important to note that acts of service are to be expressions of love, not slave driving. If her requests for acts of service come across as demands, nags, or put-downs, let her know and share with her the revised wording that would be less offensive to you. It is also important to note that acts of service must be freely and selflessly given. Do not keep tabs of all the things you have done for her and expect her to owe you anything in return. Periodically ask her what you could do to make her day easier or occasionally do things for her without being asked.
Physical Touch – If your lover’s primary love language is physical touch, holding hands, kissing, massaging, cuddling, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love and making him feel secure in your love. It is important to note that not all touches are equally satisfying. Since he knows best what he perceives as a loving touch, he is your best instructor, of course. As such, communicate with him and be sensitive to his needs and desires since he is the one you are seeking to love. Physical touch is a powerful communicator of love, and you can fill his love tank by surprisingly hugging him from behind, planting a sweet kiss on his lips, giving him a back rub while he is seated, wrapping your arms around him as you stand talking, or even sweetly touching him in the presence of family and friends to let him know you still see only him in a room full of people.
Discover Your Love Language
For a more in-depth discussion of the five primary love languages, kindly check out Dr. Chapman’s Love Language series. Discovering and learning your lover’s primary love language is essential if you are to keep his or her emotional love tank full.
If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants.
Some may know their primary love languages instantaneously. If you are unsure, you can click on this LINK to discover your primary love language. Your love language may or may not fluctuate throughout your lifetime, so always make sure to communicate to your lover what fills your love tank.
Another way you can discover your primary love language is through your gestures towards your lover. Perhaps, what you are doing for your lover or even to other people around you is what you wish to receive in return. So what is your primary love language? What makes your heart sing?
Treasure Your Relationship
By learning to speak your lover’s primary love language, you will be able to become an effective communicator of love, and thus strengthen your foundation of emotional intimacy. This does not mean that you can completely neglect the other love languages, as they are all still essential in maintaining a healthy relationship.
We all have a burning desire for connectivity and belonging. When we feel genuinely loved, respected, and appreciated, we naturally seek to reciprocate. A vital element of a positive and healthy relationship is good communication, and one of the most crucial communication skills is active listening.
My Final Message
If you are struggling to find the one, do not give up hope. When the time is right, that special someone will walk into your life and sweep you off your feet. Know your worth and never settle for less because you are precious and you deserve to be loved and respected and appreciated.
Do not feel pressured to chase the timeline set by others; they probably have their own timeline. By rushing to be in a committed relationship just because the majority of your peers are in relationships, you are clouding your judgment of good and worthy potential partner.
Rather, take a step back and go at your own pace – go on many dates to discover whom you share a burning chemistry with. Be with someone who will inspire you to be a better version of yourself and wholeheartedly support your dreams and goals.
At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another.
On the other hand, if you are in a committed relationship, it is all bliss and butterflies for about a year or two. But what happens when you come down off the high? It may simply be the time to strengthen the foundation of your relationship and work through problems and grow together as a couple. Love requires effective communication, sacrifice, time, and effort.
However, if the relationship is toxic and negatively impact you emotionally, physically, or psychologically, please leave. You deserve life’s greatest happiness, and it can only be found in good relationships.
All in all, the key to a long-lasting, healthy relationship is to continuously communicate, be selfless, and express our love in our partner’s primary love language.
P.S. I have a PDF copy of one of Dr. Chapman’s Love Language series, and I would be more than happy to share it with you.
Real love – This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.
I hope you enjoyed my blog. Have a MEGA AWESOME day! 😎
Outfit Details
👗 Romper: Charlotte Russe 👠 Shoes: Vince Camuto